The Flip Side

To be honest, I haven’t felt great this year. Right from the start of January, I’ve been struggling and I didn’t feel as happy compared to last summer where I remember feeling the best I’ve felt in a long time. I’ve drawn lots but haven’t written for months, mostly because I had nothing new to complain about.

About two and a half years ago, I stopped taking my medication because I thought that I felt better and wasn’t depressed anymore. But feeling so low recently I decided to start them again, and it’s only this time that I’ve started to notice a change, not necessarily for the best.

The year that I stopped taking my medication, I set up my website and began drawing again and although I felt happy, I couldn’t hold back my tears. Now the tears have stopped but so have I. You can probably see that I’ve hardly drawn and I don’t seem to have the enthusiasm anymore.

Not just drawing, but other things. I used to be up early every day to get myself ready for work, blow dry my hair, full face of make-up and a smart outfit, but now the office is lucky if I’ve got mascara on. I was even up early on the weekend and would have all my chores done by 11am whereas now I’m not likely to even be out of bed by that time. At one point I couldn’t even handle my drink and that was depressing in itself!

I feel like I’m supposed to be taking these drugs to make me feel better, and I do in some way but I know that I’m not myself, that’s the flip side. Is it better to be productive, motivated and active but constantly on the brink of tears or to be indifferent, lazy and lethargic with the numb sadness of knowing that I can be a better me?

Looking back, I am starting to see my past self in a different light and I’m starting to understand my life so much better. Maybe over time, this will pass and I will be able to be the super me that I know I am, without the crying.

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Remedy

We all have our own remedies when we are feeling ill or down in the dumps. Some people like a glass of wine and even a cheeky cigarette, maybe it is a box of chocolates for some people and our favourite tunes, tablets to cure our headaches or honey in our tea for sore throats.

My remedy for most ailments is all of the above but more importantly, my friends and family. They are the cure for most of my complaints, physical or psychological.

They are always there at the end of the phone, they are always free when I need cheering up and no matter the problem, and they are always willing to help in one way or another. You can’t put a value on that.

My loved ones are my reason for living, and for still being alive. I think without them I wouldn’t have survived and I am always indebted to them. That is why, not only are they my remedy but I offer myself as theirs.

I hope that when they need me, they feel that they can call me, no matter the situation or time of day. No burden is too big to bear and I will always offer my shoulder to cry on in the same way they have done for me.

So, Happy Valentine’s Day to all the loves of my life! I hope your day is filled with all the love and happiness that you have given me, not just today, but every day and know that I am eternally grateful for your love and support.

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New Year

New Year’s Day I arrive back at my apartment, cigarette in one hand and a bottle of gin in the other, talk about cliché. I catch a glimpse of my reflection in the door, tired, red-eyed, make-upless and hair that resembles a mad scientist. Bridget Jones comes to mind…

I fumble around for my keys and drop them on the floor, still useless from the alcohol consumptions of the night before and the previous 12 nights to add on top of that. The hallway is infested with sequins from my party and a single balloon floats around by my door. I release a big sigh of despair at the thought of returning back to reality.

Even though I wasn’t expecting much from the first day, this isn't how I envisaged that my 2018 would start and 5 days later nothing much has improved. I've listened to Celine Dion ‘Think Twice’ about 4,572 times, watched period dramas on repeat, used 8 boxes of tissues and consumed a box of Lindt and one pizza. Not the healthiest but I’m pretty sure I’ve lost weight, one resolution successfully achieved!

I haven’t left the apartment, bed or sofa and I’m beginning to question whether this cold is real or just a psychological virus. I pretend to be productive and make mental notes of what I’m going to accomplish but I’m only fooling myself, it’s the same things I said last year, only with less determination.

On Christmas Day I was blissfully unaware that I would be a midnight gooseberry, again. I've gone into the New Year alone for the past five years so it's nothing new and I shouldn’t be sad about it as I spent it with some of my favourite people, but I guess there was just that little spark of hope that this time it might be different, a bit more special. I only have myself to blame. I let myself imagine a picture based on a feeling and not a promise.

“Never absolutely, it was every day implied but never declared, sometimes I thought it had been but it never was. He has broken no vow…” (Marianne Dashwood, Sense and Sensibility).

Which only leaves one question, what are my New Year’s resolutions? Aside from the obvious, unachievable and overreaching which everyone else has, such as lose weight, eat healthily and only drink on the weekends (ppfftt), there is nothing. There was nothing I did last year that I wouldn’t do again this year.

Also, I am going to write a cookbook called “Random shit I’ve made out of the bizarre foods left in my fridge which taste surprisingly good”.

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Fool

I've been a foolish fool forever, and I’ve been made to feel a fool by other people more times than I would like to admit. More annoyingly, the worst part is, I probably only have myself to blame. I've let it happen time and time again.

I believe in people too easily. I believe what they say and take their every word at face value. I never question any ulterior motives that someone might have, because why would anyone be dishonest? What benefit does it have to them?

I get carried away. My whimsical mind runs before it can walk and fantasise over ideas based on seemingly thin air. But are they? Surely I wouldn’t feel that way for no reason? Is someone else to blame for planting the seeds, for saying the words that made me think those thoughts?

I let people waste my time. Not necessarily in the physical sense of waiting, by all means, leave me waiting at the bar, I can pre-occupy myself there no problem, but waiting for a text, a call, or any form of response for that matter. Send a sodding Pidgeon for all I care, I’m just waiting for communication!

When I don’t get it, even then, every time, I tell myself that there must be a good reason and I send just “one more message”, I call just “one last time”, I wait just “one hour longer”, I give just “one final chance”.

Time is irrelevant in the grand scheme of wasting. It’s the wasted thoughts that hurt the most and the wasted energy that leaves me bereft. I tell my friends that I "won't get my hopes up" but I already have, before I've even said the words they’re already in the clouds before I've even thought them they're halfway to the moon.

I feel like I’m always falling, falling for someone, falling for their lies and then falling for their excuses. I must seem like such a fool but there’s a small part of my soul that hopes each time that it will not be so hopelessly, so I keep falling.

Although I live in hope, it has left me with a bitter taste and a cynical outlook that no one has honest intentions anymore and that everyone’s words are laced with lies. I am a fool and I will always feel foolish for being one, but please don’t make a fool out of me again.

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The Ghost That Left

For years I had a ghost. He woke up in bed with me every morning, he sat opposite me when I ate my breakfast, we went to work separately but we would meet at home at half past five.

I would tell him about my day, we would go out to dinner together, or eat in, then we would go home. We would sleep together and we would wake up next to each other and start another day.

But he wasn't really there. He was just a figment of my imagination. No one could see him, but I could feel him. Everywhere I went, I wanted him there so much that, I could feel his presence.

I talked to him all the time. And although in the real world, he didn't really know what was going on in my life, I told him every day in my mind. It was only when I dreamt that he was really there.

After a while, the ghost left. It had been so long since the real person had gone that even the ghost that lingered started to fade away.

But he was in my thoughts, I could remember him. How he felt, the warmth of his skin, how he tasted, the sound of his voice, how it felt to touch him and love him, but I couldn't feel him anymore. He wasn't there.

The ghost had left and all that was left was the memory.

I knew that sooner or later even the memory would fade. But I didn't want to let it go because then I really would be alone.

"Yesterday, upon the stair
I met a man who wasn't there
He wasn't there again today
I wish, I wish he'd go away...
When I came home last night at three
The man was waiting there for me
But when I looked around the hall
I couldn't see him there at all"

(Antigonish by Willaim Hughes Mearns)

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Belong

For most of my life I have wanted to run away, not just from home but any place that I was or even from myself at times. The feeling of not belonging anywhere, or even in my own body, is like being lost without a map. It felt like I was floating aimlessly in life with no direction or purpose, in the dark.

I didn’t feel like I belonged to my own home. Home has always been in two places and I wanted to live in my second home for years. It tore me apart every time I visited because I knew that I would have to leave again. For a long time, I tried to find a way to be able to live there but I couldn’t make it work.

I didn’t feel like a belonged in a temporary place. Wherever I was in general, I always wanted to be somewhere else. If I was at a party I wanted to be at home, if I was at home I kept thinking ‘I should have gone to that party’ and when there were two things going on at once, the grass was always greener where I wasn’t.

I didn’t feel like I belonged in my own body. Sometimes I even wanted to be someone else. I was a different person depending on who I was with and where I was. I changed my hair colour, the way I spelled my name, the way I dressed, the décor in my bedroom, all silly material things.

I never felt like I was in the right place at the right time. Nothing ever worked out, I was always too early or too late and things just didn’t fit. But recently something has started to change…

I don’t know whether it’s because I’ve grown up and learned how to belong, or whether the stars have started to align for me, but things seem to be falling into place recently. Everything is starting to make sense and I feel like I know where I’ve got to be, where I am going and what I’ve got to do.

Home is where I want it to be and now I take it with me wherever I go, so I never feel like I don’t belong anywhere. I know myself better and I’m happy with who I am more than ever, I belong to myself. I think that sometimes you have to be different people, even the ones that you don’t want to be, to know who you do want to be.

Belonging never felt so good and I’m the one who made it happen. I think it’s mostly down to my age and experiences but at the same time, there are certain coincidences that make me believe that there’s more to it… I don’t know the answer and I’m not bothered about looking into it too much because for now, I’m just happy feeling like I belong.

“If you don’t belong, don’t be long”.

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Change

A few months ago I found myself cornered. I was desperate for change but couldn't see how I was going to make that change happen. I spent weeks going round in circles, looking for an answer but I constantly found myself back in the same place where I started, where nothing had changed, where I didn’t want to be. Change seemed like a dream.

In reality, all around me, other people's lives were changing and I felt stuck. I couldn’t wait for the change to happen naturally, I'd already been waiting too long and there was no guarantee that it ever would. So I decided that I needed to force my own change otherwise I would be stuck forever.

Out of all my options, there was no obvious choice. None of them were easy and none of them would secure my happiness. After weighing up the pros and cons of each, it finally occurred to me that it didn't matter what I chose. Any choice would do because any change was better than none and if one option didn't work, there were plenty of others to try.

I plucked up courage that I didn't even know I had and worked harder than I had in a long time to set myself a goal. I took aim, I fired and to my own surprise, I hit a target. It was scary to take a risk like that but it paid off, not only because I succeeded but because things started to change.

The change in motion was a relief in itself because I knew that I was moving forward. I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. The weight of trying to make a hard decision and the weight of feeling like change would never happen.

Once the change was made, I took comfort in knowing that if it didn't work out for whatever reason, I could always change again because I had just proved that I could change in the first place. I proved to myself that I was strong enough, brave enough and smart enough to do what originally seemed impossible. And I'm telling you all this because I want you to feel the same.

If you are facing a hard decision in your life or wanting to make a change but don’t know how, then I want you to know that change is not as unachievable as it first appears. It might be scary but it's not and it might not be easy but nothing in life is. I'm sure you've done scarier and tougher things so there is no need to be afraid.

For all my friends and family reading this, if I can do it, then so can you. No matter how big or small, I believe in you, I know that you can do something incredible and I know that you will. If you take a risk like me and nothing changes, it just goes to show how brilliant you are for trying, but you need the take that chance to know yourself what you are capable of.

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain so I’m telling you to seize the opportunity, make the move, ask the question, send the message, take the chance and dive into unknown waters!

“We delight in the beauty of the butterfly but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.” - Maya Angelou.

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Heartbreak

We’ve all had our fair share of heartbreak in our lifetimes, and I am no exception. But heartbreak isn’t just the traditional ‘boy meets girls, boy loses girl’, it’s all the other things that we love and lose.

The first heartbreak that I can remember was when I was 10. My 3 year old cousin died of an inoperable brain tumour and it broke my heart so much that I stopped believing in God. 17 years later it still breaks my heart every time I think of him and wonder what life would have been like if he was still here. Even though I say I don’t believe, I still pray.

For my thirteenth birthday my Auntie bought me my first ever pet that wasn’t a fish, he was a rabbit called Thumper. My friends at school thought I was mad because of how much I loved him and how much I cried when he died, still aged 13. It didn’t stop me getting pets, I just wanted more and more to love.

At the age of 15, the inevitable happened, I met a boy and I loved him (well at least I thought I did). It wasn’t until I was 16 that he actually broke my heart after finding out that he was a liar. Being the stupid woman that I am, I let him do it again when I was 18. But after that, I never let him or any other man break my heart again, at least not that hard.

When I was 17 my heart broke the hardest when my Mom was diagnosed with cancer. There was a brief time in my life where I was uncertain about the future, my future, her future, the future of our family. I was uncertain of myself, I lost who I was, I acted out, rebelled at school, hurt my friends and pushed people away breaking their hearts too. I’d never seen my Dad cry before. Luckily, I am one of the few and fortunate to say that I didn’t lose her.

I broke my own heart when I was 22. I wasn’t all the things that I wanted to be, I wasn’t going where I had planned or doing anything that I had dreamed. So I tried to take my own life. I broke my parent’s hearts too. But at least now I can say that doing that made me realise that I don’t want to do it again and afterwards I began my journey to learn to love myself.

It broke my heart when I was 23 and my I accidently shattered a water jug that my mom had given to me. Even though it was just an object, it was my Nan’s who passed away when I was three. I felt so silly when I cried but it made me feel close to her. I still search online in case someone is selling the same jug and I’ve learned never to put boiling hot water into anything glass.

Work broke my heart when I was 24. I fell in love with my job and poured my soul into it, but it turned into something else that I didn’t recognise and hurt me to stay, so I had to leave. Now I always put myself first and make sure I have a healthy work life balance.

My best friend broke my heart when I was 25. She didn’t lie to me but she hid the truth. What she covered up didn’t hurt, it was being deceived by someone I trusted. Even though it was supposed to protect me, it did more damage than good. I forgave her because I loved her more than it hurt.

By the age of 26 I was pretty much immune to being hurt by guys, but I hurt myself a little bit every time. I so desperately want to believe in someone and as much as my past experience tells me not to, I can’t help but let myself. I know that one day it won’t be in vain.

It doesn’t get any better at 27. The past 2 weeks have been hell watching someone I love get their heartbroken by someone else I loved. Even though it hasn’t been my heartbreak, it still hurt. It hurt to see her cry and suffer and their relationship deteriorate. It hurt to see something that I loved fall apart because I believed in it and it gave me faith, but now I’ve lost hope again.

I don’t want you to read this and think ‘bloody hell, she’s off again…’ because there is a point to all this heartbreak. The point is, I’m still here, I still have a heart, it still beats, I’m still alive and I still love. Heartbreak is not the end, it’s just the beginning. Every time we break, we get back up, we fix ourselves and we start again. And every time we start again we start with new knowledge, we’ve learnt from our mistakes and we are going to do it better this time. We are stronger because heartbreak makes you stronger. If I can get through it, anybody can.

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Mask

There’s a mask that I wear every day to hide the person I really am and the way I really feel. Everyone always seems to be so shocked when I tell them how sad I am. Apparently I seem like such a happy person, but I don’t have much of a choice other than to act happy.

When you look harder, it’s not so difficult to see what’s under the mask, what everything really means and why I act the way I do.

Everyone thinks that I’m the woman who bought her own place and lives alone because she’s independent. But really I’m afraid of sharing my home with someone, getting close to them and being let down because it's happened so many times before.

Everyone sees me as the busy bee who always has exciting plans and lives an adventurous life. But really I just need to have something to look forward to, something to plan, something to keep my mind occupied so it distracts me from being sad.

I act like the hostess with the mostess who throws parties for all my friends and family. But really I just want an excuse to be around people because it makes me happy.

I’m the life and soul of the party and everyone thinks I’m a laugh. But really I just act like that on purpose so that everyone will like me, invite me to go out with them and be at their parties which makes me feel wanted.

I’m the girl who keeps up appearances. I do my hair, I paint my nails and I wear nice clothes. But I only do it so people will compliment me and so I will feel better about myself.

I’m the gym bunny who eats healthy food (most of the time). But the main reason I do it is because I want to seem proactive and appealing. I’d rather be lying on my sofa eating chocolate, crying at a sad film, but that’s not as attractive is it?

And why do I hide you ask? Because no one wants to be around a sad person. Sad people aren’t fun, not attractive. A sad person can’t go to work to everyday. A sad person can't live a normal life. But a sad person has to do these things. So sometimes I need to pretend to be a happy to do all the things a sad person can't.

Someone recently told me that if I act happy then I will be happy, but I never act sad, so why am I sad?

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The One That Got Away

I seem to be cursed with the infliction of ex-lovers attempting to re-enter my life every now and then and they don't seem to realise how much it hurts.

It could be a matter of days, weeks, months, even years before they come back, and they always do, it's inevitable. Sometimes I'm even stupid enough to allow it.

I don't know if it's because they have genuine intentions, that they realise what they've lost and that they actually still like me or if they just know me too well, know that I'm too soft to tell them to piss off (which is what I should do instead of indulging their ego).

It's so frustrating, they were the ones that left, they always are. And I just can't cope with the emotional turmoil. If you couldn't see me for what I am then, how can you suddenly see it now?

I'm not any different now, if anything, I'm probably better than I was when we met. I'm stronger, fitter, funnier (if that's even possible), smarter, wiser, wiser to your bullshit, and my arse is better than it ever was!

As romantic as you think it is to confess your undying love for me, to tell me that you think about me all the time and that I'm the one that got away, it's not and I'm not. You let me get away for a reason so don't come chasing me thinking you're my knight in shining armour because you're just some idiot in tin foil with a head full of grand delusions.

Someone will come along and see me for what I am, there and then, and know what he has when he has me, not later when it’s too late, and he won't let go. So you can ride off into the sunset with the broken heart that you left me with.

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I’d Rather Be Alone

Recently I’ve had a lot of people asking me how my love life is going and they seem fairly surprised when I tell them that there isn’t one. When they ask me why, I tell them that I’d rather be alone, but that isn’t really true.

I don’t want to be on my own altogether forever and ever, it’s just that I’d rather be alone than with anyone for the sake of not be alone. I’d rather be with someone because I wanted to be with them and not purely because I didn’t want to be single.

I’ve overlooked compatibility issues in the past and compromised because I felt that being with anyone was better than being alone. But sometimes it takes making this mistake (multiple times) to realise that actually, it’s the other way around.

Now, I would much rather be on my own than be with someone who I couldn’t be myself around, or who wouldn’t accept me for everything that I am, or who I wasn’t head over heels for or vice versa.

You might as well be alone if you are with someone who is so unsuited for you that you feel alone anyway. So I’ll stay alone for now until someone comes along that I want to be alone with.

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Balance

Life is a balancing act. Work, social life, friends, family, exercise, hobbies, home and a million other things. (I’ve purposely left out relationships because I definitely don’t have the time or emotional capacity to handle one of those at the moment).

The past week has been a challenge to say the least. It made me feel like I was walking on a tight rope trying to keep my balance but when I tried to move forward, the universe threw a curveball at me. Every time I thought I was stable, along came another obstacle.

For me, the end of the rope gets further and further away every day. I can’t seem to make progress. The moment I think I’ve got myself and my life together, something else happens to knock me down leaving me constantly on the verge of tears. When it has left, when the disaster is over, it’s gone but it broke me just that little bit more and so it might not be there anymore but the pain still is.

There are things that I can control and change but there are things that I can’t. Like when the brakes fail on my car, when people drop out of planned activities leaving you out of pocket or when my family members are sad and there isn’t anything that I can do to help. Those are the things that affect me the most.

I can’t get off the rope because that would mean falling which would be giving up. And although the temptation to give up overwhelming, it would mean losing so many other things as well.

No one wants to work but we need a job for money, we need money to pay for a life, we need a life to feel alive, and if we’re not alive then we might as well be dead. Living has responsibilities and they are always hard, so life can never be easy.

I’m in no way deluded and I know that life will never be easy, but can it at least be a little bit easier sometimes? Please? It’s hard enough to maintain balance as it is but when everything happens at once I want to leave the circus and never come back.

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Thinner

It’s been seven months since I joined the gym and started my weight loss journey and in the wake of the New Year I decided to push myself harder. However, although I’ve lost weight, which I’m really pleased about, I feel like I’m losing something else as well.

Yes I look better and, to some extent, yes I feel better about myself but I feel like I’ve lost other parts of my life.

I’ve changed my diet and I spend an evening a week doing this ridiculous activity known as ‘meal prep’ where you make your food in advance so it’s healthy and you have no excuse to eat rubbish. I can’t let go on the weekends and have a drink because of the big bad calories, I have to eat rabbit food all day and resisting temptation is a constant battle.

I’ve upgraded my workout routine and I spend about four or five evenings a week in the gym. So, as you might have noticed, I haven’t had any time to do my drawings or blogs. I don’t see my friends and family as much and I generally feel as though I have no social life.

I say ‘can’t’ but I can, and I say ‘have to’ but I don’t have to, it is my choice. I’m just beginning to question if achieving the outcome outweighs the sacrifices made. When I look great in the bridesmaid dress at my Auntie’s/Sister’s wedding will I think “wow, this was so worth it” or “wow, I wish I had spent my time doing things that actually meant something because yeah I look great but I’m miserable as sin”?

Maybe one day I’ll find the right balance where I’ll be able to do everything I want in perfect harmony (I wish), but at the moment I feel like not only is the weight disappearing, I am disappearing too. I’m losing all the things that make me, me. Is this the price you have to pay?

At what point will I feel rewarded for all the beads of sweat and all the avoided chocolate bars? At what point will I feel the overwhelming sense of pride and accomplishment? It feels nice to have compliments but it would be nicer to feel like I still exist.

P.S. I can't do a handstand.

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Truth

I told myself that I would never write about someone directly, and although this is fundamentally about one person, it’s also about my change of perception.

I am not a proud person. I’ll be the first to apologise, even if I don’t think something was my fault. I am not ashamed to admit when I am mistaken, as much as I cannot stand being wrong. But most of all, I am not afraid to acknowledge how I truly feel.

The truth is, I was in love with the same person for a long time, mostly from afar. For years we intentionally crossed each other’s paths, running never ending circles around each other and playing pointless mind games. I knew they didn’t feel the same way about me but I deluded myself in the assumption that they wouldn’t keep coming back if that was the case.

This was one of the reasons why it didn’t work out with so many other people. I subconsciously belonged to someone else and whilst that person was still available, everyone else was just a second choice and I was always looking for something that I had already lost.

I jeopardised and sometimes even intentionally ruined new relationships because I thought that going backward was what I wanted. The past would call and I would put the future on hold or even hang up. In my mind, I wanted the person that knew me best. In reality, if I had given someone new the chance, they might have learned to know me just as well.

Eventually, I felt like I couldn’t cope with the uncertainty anymore and I asked them to spare me my mental health. There was too much coming and going without definite answers so I attempted to do the mature thing and cease contact (until alcohol intervened, obviously).

I hoped that one of two things would happen, either that I would meet somebody that I loved more or that we would find our way back to each other indefinitely. But sooner or later, I knew the day would come when they would find someone else.

It hurt so much at first but I was already so sick of living in agony, not just over this but other things that I was tormenting myself about, that it made me force myself to change the way I thought.

I told myself that they were not the type of person who would settle for anything other than the best and neither should I. I found happiness in knowing that they were happy, even if it wasn’t with me. I forgave them which in turn lead me to forgive others, as well myself. I wished that the time had come sooner so I might have been able to find relief earlier, but there’s no point thinking like that which made me decide not to let ‘what ifs’ get the better of me.

After admitting to myself how I really felt, I was set free. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders, my outlook on life was completely transformed, and I came to terms with so much more. It was a bit like an epiphany. I let go of my anger, I turned the negative into positives and I finally found inner peace.

Nothing has ever felt so good.

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Here Comes the Sun

When you’re in the dark, you’re too weak to see the beauty of the day. The light seems too far away and it’s warmth too hard to reach. It can make you feel like giving up.

But eventually, when I have chased the storm away, I can step out and see the sun again, which burns brighter than it ever did before.

It’s hard to do it alone, but even harder to admit that you need help. Sometimes it’s the only way and I couldn’t do it without the support of my family, friends and colleagues. Their kind words guided me through the tunnel and back into the light where they were waiting for me to return as my former self and not the shadow I left in.

I can’t express my gratitude enough those who have given me their shoulder to cry on, not just this time around but all the times before. Even the smallest acts of kindness can fill someone’s heart and bring them back to life. I hope that, if and when the time comes, I can do the same for all of them and that they are not afraid to call on me to return the favour, no matter how great or small.

Now that I have calmed the storm and tamed him, it is my black burdened companion. Instead of growling away inside of me, he walks beside me and I no long fear him.

I take comfort in knowing that when he barks again, I have the strength within me, the reinforcements around me and the knowledge from all the times before to know how to tell him to shut the fuck up and sit down because I’m not prepared to go through that shit again anytime soon.

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The Storm

The storm is unpredictable. The only inevitable is that it will come and I will have to confront it. Sometimes I can feel it brewing deep within me and it doesn’t matter how much I try to put it off, I can’t stop it, eventually I will just have to face it.

When I know it’s coming, I am ready, I know what to do, I’ve sailed those seas before and I know how to navigate the waves. But other times it comes unannounced and I don’t have time to prepare. I just have to ride it out and hope for the best.

I don’t know why it comes or what it wants from me. It doesn’t come for any reason and it serves no purpose. I don’t know if I will ever understand it, I just have to accept it.

The storm isn’t around me or above me, it doesn’t lurk in shadows or crush me from the outside; it grows inside me. And when the clouds turn dark my tears rain down, lightning strikes in screams and the thunder beats on my soul.

While the storm rages, it takes over everything. My body is weak, tired and lifeless. My mind is clouded, I cannot focus and I lose my motivation for everything, work, pleasure, life. My core aches, my heart breaks and my spirit shatters.

I never know how long it will stay, a moment, a day, a week, sometimes longer. When it goes I never know when it will be back again. Sometimes I fear that one day it will come and never go.

The storm within me has always been there and it always will be.

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Same Old Song

It will start off promising, we’ll go on dates, the usual things, drinks, diner, cinema. We’ll get to know each other, talk about our interests and find common ground.

You’ll think I’m great, you’ll wonder why I’m single, you’ll tell me things like how you can’t believe your luck that you met someone like me and question why I would be interested in someone like you.

You’ll come over and I’ll do all the things I think you’ll like, cook dinner, light candles, wear something special. I’ll keep myself appealing and make the effort every time. We’ll do nice things and go nice places, the kind of things that couples do. You'll say all the right things and I'll believe them.

We’ll share each other’s stories, I’ll tell you about my childhood, growing up, going to university, working, my struggle, my life story and you’ll tell me yours. We’ll get that little bit closer, we’ll talk every day, texts and calls, I might even do a drawing about you.

I'll be chuffed to bits, I’ll tell all my friends, I’ll invite you to my parties and I’ll introduce you to my family. We’ll spend even more time together, I’ll have my doubts but I’ll keep them to myself because I'd rather give it a chance than be on my own.

It will all seem to be going so well, then out of the blue you'll do one of several things; you'll tell me that you're not ready, that you're not over a past relationship, that something doesn't feel right or a series of misinterpreted, miscommunicated, badly timed words and actions will result in a trivial argument and you’ll flake at the first sign of trouble. You’ll tell me it’s over and I’ll protest at the injustice of everything.

I'll believe that you can't have cared that much to start with to throw it all away in such a whimsical manner and I'll blame myself for ever letting you in.

You’ll end it with that ultimately patronising remark that you think I’m a great girl, I’m fantastic, amazing, lovely, smashing, good... Just not good enough.

My colleagues will comfort me and tell me that you’re an idiot, my family will tell me that it would have never worked out, my friends will say you weren’t good enough for me and I’ll tell myself that I never cared that much anyway.

I’ll delete all the messages, I’ll delete your number, I’ll delete any pictures, I’ll return your things, I’ll return the presents that I bought you, I’ll clean my apartment, I’ll change my sheets, sometimes I’ll even buy new ones. I’ll erase every trace of you.

I’ll put pictures on social media of me going out with my friends just to prove I’m ok and that I’m having a great time without you.

I’ll be hurt, I’ll be angry, I’ll be sad and I’ll cry, not because it’s you, because it’s again. You’re not the first, you’re not the only and you won’t be the last, but I’ll do it again. I’ll find someone else, just to forget about you, the whole process will start over and I’ll keep listening to the same old song.

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Fate

As well as souls and other nonsense, I’m a big believer in fate and destiny. I believe that everything happens for a reason, even if it doesn’t happen. I think that there is a time and place for everything and eventually it will all fall into place.

I think we all have an idea in our mind of how our lives should be or well thought out intentions of what we want to achieve that day. When things don’t turn out according to how I planned them, I know that I get annoyed, but in hindsight I’ve learnt that we shouldn’t worry, fate has a bigger and better plan for all of us.

When I went to university, I never imagined dropping out and when I did I panicked that my whole life plan would come off track. And then, six years ago, when I began working in what I would call a proper fully fledged adult job, I never thought I would leave there, end up somewhere else and leave there again end up where I am now. But maybe I was meant to leave university, maybe I was meant to leave behind my other two jobs to end up here. Maybe I’m not even meant to be where I am now, but maybe it’s a stepping stone to the next level in life.

I feel the same way about people as well, maybe we are meant to meet people along the way, even it turns out that we don’t like them and don’t want them in our lives, just to teach us something about life, about ourselves, about who we want to be or who we don’t want to be.

I find that there are certain things that I do, say, like and dislike that I’ve picked up from other people and I feel as though a part of them is woven into me and that destiny brought us together, even if it meant to tear us apart as well, just so I could take that small part of them with me to make me more of who I am now.

Maybe if we meet someone who turns out not to be the person we thought they were then we will appreciate the next person more. It you meet someone nasty you will be far more grateful for the kindness of the next person you meet.

Sometimes I meet people and think “why didn’t I meet you sooner?” but maybe three years ago I was a different person and if we did meet, it wouldn’t have turned out the same way. Sometimes I meet people I wish I hadn’t but fate has its funny was of doing that, there’s always a reason for it.

I think that on Wednesday when I spilt chocolate ice cream all over my bed sheets, even though it was an accident, it was meant to happen to remind me that I shouldn’t eat in bed.

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The Fears

Although a couple walking along the beach together doesn’t look scary, it is for me. I’m pretty sure that when you first meet someone new it’s supposed to be exciting, spontaneous and romantic however I turn into a nervous emotional wreck full of anxiety and countless fears.

There are the fears of the past; both yours and theirs. The fear that your history will repeat itself like every failed relationship that you’ve been in before. The fear that the other person has ghosts in their closet that will come out at any moment.

The fears of the future; the fear of moving too quickly and rushing into things when you don’t feel ready. The fear of moving too slow and the relationship losing momentum or interest and then being stuck in the same place or just breaking up because it’s not going anywhere. The fear of how other people will gauge the pace of your relationship and worrying what the pace should be.

The fear of readiness; am I ready for a relationship? Absolutely not and I don’t think I ever will be.

The fear of doing the traditional scary couple things like meeting each other’s friends and family and then the added fear of being judged by them, and then even worse not liking them but having to spend time with people you wouldn’t normally tolerate.

The fears of the new and unknown; that you know nothing about this person and are not sure what they are capable of. The fear that they are different to other people you have dated and you’re not sure whether it’s a good or a bad thing.

The fear of change; that you will potentially have to change your life to suit them in one way or another but then you question whether you should change for anyone and are these changes that you face making the same as compromise? Where does the line of compromise end and the line of change begin? The fear that you are so used to being on your own that sharing your life with someone else is incomprehensible. The fear that they might change from the person that you fell for into something you don’t like, and then what? Do you stay in a relationship hoping that they will one day change back, which might never happen, or do you leave and risk losing what you had? What if you change and they fall out of love with you or you don’t like the person you’ve become anymore?

The fear of letting someone in your life; to know every part of your mind, body and soul intimately. That’s probably my worst fear.

The fear that you will be right; that all your doubts come true and you have a mental argument with yourself for not listening to your instinct when the first alarm bell starting ringing in your head.

The fear that your will be wrong; that you were worrying and making yourself feel sick all this time for no reason. The fear that you were wrong but your friends were right and he was a complete arsehole and now you face looking like an idiot.

The fear of admitting you’re afraid; because no one wants to admit they’re scared of anything to anyone. The fear that the other person will judge you for being afraid or even worse hold it against you.

The fear of the fears; being scared that you are too scared or not scared enough and how scared should you be? What is the normal amount of scared? Is there a normal amount?

The list of fears is endless but recently I’ve learned that it’s ok to be afraid, it doesn’t make you a bad person. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad for feeling nervous, we get scared because we have a reason to be. Take a deep breath, take one step at a time, go at your own pace, and don’t let other people influence your own instinct. If it feels wrong then it probably is and if it feels right you’re doing fine.

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Cornered

Recently I’ve felt as though I’m not moving forward with my life and that I’ve metaphorically backed myself into a corner. It’s all my fault and I’m the only one who can change it. But I also feel as though I’m not able to change it because there are things that I didn’t do in my past necessary to make those changes now.

My only option is to go backwards to be able to move forwards, but I don’t want to do that. I don’t feel as though I have the strength right now, physically, mentally or emotionally. And I have too many other things at stake that I would have to compromise or could potentially lose, which doesn’t make it feel like progress.

In my mind, going backwards is exactly what it says it is, going backwards, so why would anyone want to do that? But then, if you aren’t going forwards, and you’re just staying in the same place, isn’t that the same as going backwards? I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore.

I’ve always been so sure and I’ve always been the woman with a plan but now I’m just falling apart.

I can’t move forward if I don’t even know what direction I want to go in and I can’t even take time out to think. Everyday my mind runs through the options but I don’t seem to find a solution. Maybe there is a way out, a light at the end of the tunnel and I might see it and get there eventually, but at the moment I can’t find it and being stuck in the same place is slowly eating away at my soul.

Backwards, forwards, stay the same. Make a choice, make a change. It doesn’t seem that easy right now.

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