Truth

I told myself that I would never write about someone directly, and although this is fundamentally about one person, it’s also about my change of perception.

I am not a proud person. I’ll be the first to apologise, even if I don’t think something was my fault. I am not ashamed to admit when I am mistaken, as much as I cannot stand being wrong. But most of all, I am not afraid to acknowledge how I truly feel.

The truth is, I was in love with the same person for a long time, mostly from afar. For years we intentionally crossed each other’s paths, running never ending circles around each other and playing pointless mind games. I knew they didn’t feel the same way about me but I deluded myself in the assumption that they wouldn’t keep coming back if that was the case.

This was one of the reasons why it didn’t work out with so many other people. I subconsciously belonged to someone else and whilst that person was still available, everyone else was just a second choice and I was always looking for something that I had already lost.

I jeopardised and sometimes even intentionally ruined new relationships because I thought that going backward was what I wanted. The past would call and I would put the future on hold or even hang up. In my mind, I wanted the person that knew me best. In reality, if I had given someone new the chance, they might have learned to know me just as well.

Eventually, I felt like I couldn’t cope with the uncertainty anymore and I asked them to spare me my mental health. There was too much coming and going without definite answers so I attempted to do the mature thing and cease contact (until alcohol intervened, obviously).

I hoped that one of two things would happen, either that I would meet somebody that I loved more or that we would find our way back to each other indefinitely. But sooner or later, I knew the day would come when they would find someone else.

It hurt so much at first but I was already so sick of living in agony, not just over this but other things that I was tormenting myself about, that it made me force myself to change the way I thought.

I told myself that they were not the type of person who would settle for anything other than the best and neither should I. I found happiness in knowing that they were happy, even if it wasn’t with me. I forgave them which in turn lead me to forgive others, as well myself. I wished that the time had come sooner so I might have been able to find relief earlier, but there’s no point thinking like that which made me decide not to let ‘what ifs’ get the better of me.

After admitting to myself how I really felt, I was set free. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders, my outlook on life was completely transformed, and I came to terms with so much more. It was a bit like an epiphany. I let go of my anger, I turned the negative into positives and I finally found inner peace.

Nothing has ever felt so good.

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Here Comes the Sun

When you’re in the dark, you’re too weak to see the beauty of the day. The light seems too far away and it’s warmth too hard to reach. It can make you feel like giving up.

But eventually, when I have chased the storm away, I can step out and see the sun again, which burns brighter than it ever did before.

It’s hard to do it alone, but even harder to admit that you need help. Sometimes it’s the only way and I couldn’t do it without the support of my family, friends and colleagues. Their kind words guided me through the tunnel and back into the light where they were waiting for me to return as my former self and not the shadow I left in.

I can’t express my gratitude enough those who have given me their shoulder to cry on, not just this time around but all the times before. Even the smallest acts of kindness can fill someone’s heart and bring them back to life. I hope that, if and when the time comes, I can do the same for all of them and that they are not afraid to call on me to return the favour, no matter how great or small.

Now that I have calmed the storm and tamed him, it is my black burdened companion. Instead of growling away inside of me, he walks beside me and I no long fear him.

I take comfort in knowing that when he barks again, I have the strength within me, the reinforcements around me and the knowledge from all the times before to know how to tell him to shut the fuck up and sit down because I’m not prepared to go through that shit again anytime soon.

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The Storm

The storm is unpredictable. The only inevitable is that it will come and I will have to confront it. Sometimes I can feel it brewing deep within me and it doesn’t matter how much I try to put it off, I can’t stop it, eventually I will just have to face it.

When I know it’s coming, I am ready, I know what to do, I’ve sailed those seas before and I know how to navigate the waves. But other times it comes unannounced and I don’t have time to prepare. I just have to ride it out and hope for the best.

I don’t know why it comes or what it wants from me. It doesn’t come for any reason and it serves no purpose. I don’t know if I will ever understand it, I just have to accept it.

The storm isn’t around me or above me, it doesn’t lurk in shadows or crush me from the outside; it grows inside me. And when the clouds turn dark my tears rain down, lightning strikes in screams and the thunder beats on my soul.

While the storm rages, it takes over everything. My body is weak, tired and lifeless. My mind is clouded, I cannot focus and I lose my motivation for everything, work, pleasure, life. My core aches, my heart breaks and my spirit shatters.

I never know how long it will stay, a moment, a day, a week, sometimes longer. When it goes I never know when it will be back again. Sometimes I fear that one day it will come and never go.

The storm within me has always been there and it always will be.

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Same Old Song

It will start off promising, we’ll go on dates, the usual things, drinks, diner, cinema. We’ll get to know each other, talk about our interests and find common ground.

You’ll think I’m great, you’ll wonder why I’m single, you’ll tell me things like how you can’t believe your luck that you met someone like me and question why I would be interested in someone like you.

You’ll come over and I’ll do all the things I think you’ll like, cook dinner, light candles, wear something special. I’ll keep myself appealing and make the effort every time. We’ll do nice things and go nice places, the kind of things that couples do. You'll say all the right things and I'll believe them.

We’ll share each other’s stories, I’ll tell you about my childhood, growing up, going to university, working, my struggle, my life story and you’ll tell me yours. We’ll get that little bit closer, we’ll talk every day, texts and calls, I might even do a drawing about you.

I'll be chuffed to bits, I’ll tell all my friends, I’ll invite you to my parties and I’ll introduce you to my family. We’ll spend even more time together, I’ll have my doubts but I’ll keep them to myself because I'd rather give it a chance than be on my own.

It will all seem to be going so well, then out of the blue you'll do one of several things; you'll tell me that you're not ready, that you're not over a past relationship, that something doesn't feel right or a series of misinterpreted, miscommunicated, badly timed words and actions will result in a trivial argument and you’ll flake at the first sign of trouble. You’ll tell me it’s over and I’ll protest at the injustice of everything.

I'll believe that you can't have cared that much to start with to throw it all away in such a whimsical manner and I'll blame myself for ever letting you in.

You’ll end it with that ultimately patronising remark that you think I’m a great girl, I’m fantastic, amazing, lovely, smashing, good... Just not good enough.

My colleagues will comfort me and tell me that you’re an idiot, my family will tell me that it would have never worked out, my friends will say you weren’t good enough for me and I’ll tell myself that I never cared that much anyway.

I’ll delete all the messages, I’ll delete your number, I’ll delete any pictures, I’ll return your things, I’ll return the presents that I bought you, I’ll clean my apartment, I’ll change my sheets, sometimes I’ll even buy new ones. I’ll erase every trace of you.

I’ll put pictures on social media of me going out with my friends just to prove I’m ok and that I’m having a great time without you.

I’ll be hurt, I’ll be angry, I’ll be sad and I’ll cry, not because it’s you, because it’s again. You’re not the first, you’re not the only and you won’t be the last, but I’ll do it again. I’ll find someone else, just to forget about you, the whole process will start over and I’ll keep listening to the same old song.

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