Same Old Song

It will start off promising, we’ll go on dates, the usual things, drinks, diner, cinema. We’ll get to know each other, talk about our interests and find common ground.

You’ll think I’m great, you’ll wonder why I’m single, you’ll tell me things like how you can’t believe your luck that you met someone like me and question why I would be interested in someone like you.

You’ll come over and I’ll do all the things I think you’ll like, cook dinner, light candles, wear something special. I’ll keep myself appealing and make the effort every time. We’ll do nice things and go nice places, the kind of things that couples do. You'll say all the right things and I'll believe them.

We’ll share each other’s stories, I’ll tell you about my childhood, growing up, going to university, working, my struggle, my life story and you’ll tell me yours. We’ll get that little bit closer, we’ll talk every day, texts and calls, I might even do a drawing about you.

I'll be chuffed to bits, I’ll tell all my friends, I’ll invite you to my parties and I’ll introduce you to my family. We’ll spend even more time together, I’ll have my doubts but I’ll keep them to myself because I'd rather give it a chance than be on my own.

It will all seem to be going so well, then out of the blue you'll do one of several things; you'll tell me that you're not ready, that you're not over a past relationship, that something doesn't feel right or a series of misinterpreted, miscommunicated, badly timed words and actions will result in a trivial argument and you’ll flake at the first sign of trouble. You’ll tell me it’s over and I’ll protest at the injustice of everything.

I'll believe that you can't have cared that much to start with to throw it all away in such a whimsical manner and I'll blame myself for ever letting you in.

You’ll end it with that ultimately patronising remark that you think I’m a great girl, I’m fantastic, amazing, lovely, smashing, good... Just not good enough.

My colleagues will comfort me and tell me that you’re an idiot, my family will tell me that it would have never worked out, my friends will say you weren’t good enough for me and I’ll tell myself that I never cared that much anyway.

I’ll delete all the messages, I’ll delete your number, I’ll delete any pictures, I’ll return your things, I’ll return the presents that I bought you, I’ll clean my apartment, I’ll change my sheets, sometimes I’ll even buy new ones. I’ll erase every trace of you.

I’ll put pictures on social media of me going out with my friends just to prove I’m ok and that I’m having a great time without you.

I’ll be hurt, I’ll be angry, I’ll be sad and I’ll cry, not because it’s you, because it’s again. You’re not the first, you’re not the only and you won’t be the last, but I’ll do it again. I’ll find someone else, just to forget about you, the whole process will start over and I’ll keep listening to the same old song.

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