Monday, 19 December 2016

Truth

I told myself that I would never write about someone directly, and although this is fundamentally about one person, it’s also about my change of perception.

I am not a proud person. I’ll be the first to apologise, even if I don’t think something was my fault. I am not ashamed to admit when I am mistaken, as much as I cannot stand being wrong. But most of all, I am not afraid to acknowledge how I truly feel.

The truth is, I was in love with the same person for a long time, mostly from afar. For years we intentionally crossed each other’s paths, running never ending circles around each other and playing pointless mind games. I knew they didn’t feel the same way about me but I deluded myself in the assumption that they wouldn’t keep coming back if that was the case.

This was one of the reasons why it didn’t work out with so many other people. I subconsciously belonged to someone else and whilst that person was still available, everyone else was just a second choice and I was always looking for something that I had already lost.

I jeopardised and sometimes even intentionally ruined new relationships because I thought that going backward was what I wanted. The past would call and I would put the future on hold or even hang up. In my mind, I wanted the person that knew me best. In reality, if I had given someone new the chance, they might have learned to know me just as well.

Eventually, I felt like I couldn’t cope with the uncertainty anymore and I asked them to spare me my mental health. There was too much coming and going without definite answers so I attempted to do the mature thing and cease contact (until alcohol intervened, obviously).

I hoped that one of two things would happen, either that I would meet somebody that I loved more or that we would find our way back to each other indefinitely. But sooner or later, I knew the day would come when they would find someone else.

It hurt so much at first but I was already so sick of living in agony, not just over this but other things that I was tormenting myself about, that it made me force myself to change the way I thought.

I told myself that they were not the type of person who would settle for anything other than the best and neither should I. I found happiness in knowing that they were happy, even if it wasn’t with me. I forgave them which in turn lead me to forgive others, as well myself. I wished that the time had come sooner so I might have been able to find relief earlier, but there’s no point thinking like that which made me decide not to let ‘what ifs’ get the better of me.

After admitting to myself how I really felt, I was set free. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders, my outlook on life was completely transformed, and I came to terms with so much more. It was a bit like an epiphany. I let go of my anger, I turned the negative into positives and I finally found inner peace.

Nothing has ever felt so good.

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