The Flip Side

To be honest, I haven’t felt great this year. Right from the start of January, I’ve been struggling and I didn’t feel as happy compared to last summer where I remember feeling the best I’ve felt in a long time. I’ve drawn lots but haven’t written for months, mostly because I had nothing new to complain about.

About two and a half years ago, I stopped taking my medication because I thought that I felt better and wasn’t depressed anymore. But feeling so low recently I decided to start them again, and it’s only this time that I’ve started to notice a change, not necessarily for the best.

The year that I stopped taking my medication, I set up my website and began drawing again and although I felt happy, I couldn’t hold back my tears. Now the tears have stopped but so have I. You can probably see that I’ve hardly drawn and I don’t seem to have the enthusiasm anymore.

Not just drawing, but other things. I used to be up early every day to get myself ready for work, blow dry my hair, full face of make-up and a smart outfit, but now the office is lucky if I’ve got mascara on. I was even up early on the weekend and would have all my chores done by 11am whereas now I’m not likely to even be out of bed by that time. At one point I couldn’t even handle my drink and that was depressing in itself!

I feel like I’m supposed to be taking these drugs to make me feel better, and I do in some way but I know that I’m not myself, that’s the flip side. Is it better to be productive, motivated and active but constantly on the brink of tears or to be indifferent, lazy and lethargic with the numb sadness of knowing that I can be a better me?

Looking back, I am starting to see my past self in a different light and I’m starting to understand my life so much better. Maybe over time, this will pass and I will be able to be the super me that I know I am, without the crying.

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