Belong

For most of my life I have wanted to run away, not just from home but any place that I was or even from myself at times. The feeling of not belonging anywhere, or even in my own body, is like being lost without a map. It felt like I was floating aimlessly in life with no direction or purpose, in the dark.

I didn’t feel like I belonged to my own home. Home has always been in two places and I wanted to live in my second home for years. It tore me apart every time I visited because I knew that I would have to leave again. For a long time, I tried to find a way to be able to live there but I couldn’t make it work.

I didn’t feel like a belonged in a temporary place. Wherever I was in general, I always wanted to be somewhere else. If I was at a party I wanted to be at home, if I was at home I kept thinking ‘I should have gone to that party’ and when there were two things going on at once, the grass was always greener where I wasn’t.

I didn’t feel like I belonged in my own body. Sometimes I even wanted to be someone else. I was a different person depending on who I was with and where I was. I changed my hair colour, the way I spelled my name, the way I dressed, the décor in my bedroom, all silly material things.

I never felt like I was in the right place at the right time. Nothing ever worked out, I was always too early or too late and things just didn’t fit. But recently something has started to change…

I don’t know whether it’s because I’ve grown up and learned how to belong, or whether the stars have started to align for me, but things seem to be falling into place recently. Everything is starting to make sense and I feel like I know where I’ve got to be, where I am going and what I’ve got to do.

Home is where I want it to be and now I take it with me wherever I go, so I never feel like I don’t belong anywhere. I know myself better and I’m happy with who I am more than ever, I belong to myself. I think that sometimes you have to be different people, even the ones that you don’t want to be, to know who you do want to be.

Belonging never felt so good and I’m the one who made it happen. I think it’s mostly down to my age and experiences but at the same time, there are certain coincidences that make me believe that there’s more to it… I don’t know the answer and I’m not bothered about looking into it too much because for now, I’m just happy feeling like I belong.

“If you don’t belong, don’t be long”.

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