The One That Got Away

I seem to be cursed with the infliction of ex-lovers attempting to re-enter my life every now and then and they don't seem to realise how much it hurts.

It could be a matter of days, weeks, months, even years before they come back, and they always do, it's inevitable. Sometimes I'm even stupid enough to allow it.

I don't know if it's because they have genuine intentions, that they realise what they've lost and that they actually still like me or if they just know me too well, know that I'm too soft to tell them to piss off (which is what I should do instead of indulging their ego).

It's so frustrating, they were the ones that left, they always are. And I just can't cope with the emotional turmoil. If you couldn't see me for what I am then, how can you suddenly see it now?

I'm not any different now, if anything, I'm probably better than I was when we met. I'm stronger, fitter, funnier (if that's even possible), smarter, wiser, wiser to your bullshit, and my arse is better than it ever was!

As romantic as you think it is to confess your undying love for me, to tell me that you think about me all the time and that I'm the one that got away, it's not and I'm not. You let me get away for a reason so don't come chasing me thinking you're my knight in shining armour because you're just some idiot in tin foil with a head full of grand delusions.

Someone will come along and see me for what I am, there and then, and know what he has when he has me, not later when it’s too late, and he won't let go. So you can ride off into the sunset with the broken heart that you left me with.

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I’d Rather Be Alone

Recently I’ve had a lot of people asking me how my love life is going and they seem fairly surprised when I tell them that there isn’t one. When they ask me why, I tell them that I’d rather be alone, but that isn’t really true.

I don’t want to be on my own altogether forever and ever, it’s just that I’d rather be alone than with anyone for the sake of not be alone. I’d rather be with someone because I wanted to be with them and not purely because I didn’t want to be single.

I’ve overlooked compatibility issues in the past and compromised because I felt that being with anyone was better than being alone. But sometimes it takes making this mistake (multiple times) to realise that actually, it’s the other way around.

Now, I would much rather be on my own than be with someone who I couldn’t be myself around, or who wouldn’t accept me for everything that I am, or who I wasn’t head over heels for or vice versa.

You might as well be alone if you are with someone who is so unsuited for you that you feel alone anyway. So I’ll stay alone for now until someone comes along that I want to be alone with.

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Balance

Life is a balancing act. Work, social life, friends, family, exercise, hobbies, home and a million other things. (I’ve purposely left out relationships because I definitely don’t have the time or emotional capacity to handle one of those at the moment).

The past week has been a challenge to say the least. It made me feel like I was walking on a tight rope trying to keep my balance but when I tried to move forward, the universe threw a curveball at me. Every time I thought I was stable, along came another obstacle.

For me, the end of the rope gets further and further away every day. I can’t seem to make progress. The moment I think I’ve got myself and my life together, something else happens to knock me down leaving me constantly on the verge of tears. When it has left, when the disaster is over, it’s gone but it broke me just that little bit more and so it might not be there anymore but the pain still is.

There are things that I can control and change but there are things that I can’t. Like when the brakes fail on my car, when people drop out of planned activities leaving you out of pocket or when my family members are sad and there isn’t anything that I can do to help. Those are the things that affect me the most.

I can’t get off the rope because that would mean falling which would be giving up. And although the temptation to give up overwhelming, it would mean losing so many other things as well.

No one wants to work but we need a job for money, we need money to pay for a life, we need a life to feel alive, and if we’re not alive then we might as well be dead. Living has responsibilities and they are always hard, so life can never be easy.

I’m in no way deluded and I know that life will never be easy, but can it at least be a little bit easier sometimes? Please? It’s hard enough to maintain balance as it is but when everything happens at once I want to leave the circus and never come back.

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Thinner

It’s been seven months since I joined the gym and started my weight loss journey and in the wake of the New Year I decided to push myself harder. However, although I’ve lost weight, which I’m really pleased about, I feel like I’m losing something else as well.

Yes I look better and, to some extent, yes I feel better about myself but I feel like I’ve lost other parts of my life.

I’ve changed my diet and I spend an evening a week doing this ridiculous activity known as ‘meal prep’ where you make your food in advance so it’s healthy and you have no excuse to eat rubbish. I can’t let go on the weekends and have a drink because of the big bad calories, I have to eat rabbit food all day and resisting temptation is a constant battle.

I’ve upgraded my workout routine and I spend about four or five evenings a week in the gym. So, as you might have noticed, I haven’t had any time to do my drawings or blogs. I don’t see my friends and family as much and I generally feel as though I have no social life.

I say ‘can’t’ but I can, and I say ‘have to’ but I don’t have to, it is my choice. I’m just beginning to question if achieving the outcome outweighs the sacrifices made. When I look great in the bridesmaid dress at my Auntie’s/Sister’s wedding will I think “wow, this was so worth it” or “wow, I wish I had spent my time doing things that actually meant something because yeah I look great but I’m miserable as sin”?

Maybe one day I’ll find the right balance where I’ll be able to do everything I want in perfect harmony (I wish), but at the moment I feel like not only is the weight disappearing, I am disappearing too. I’m losing all the things that make me, me. Is this the price you have to pay?

At what point will I feel rewarded for all the beads of sweat and all the avoided chocolate bars? At what point will I feel the overwhelming sense of pride and accomplishment? It feels nice to have compliments but it would be nicer to feel like I still exist.

P.S. I can't do a handstand.

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Truth

I told myself that I would never write about someone directly, and although this is fundamentally about one person, it’s also about my change of perception.

I am not a proud person. I’ll be the first to apologise, even if I don’t think something was my fault. I am not ashamed to admit when I am mistaken, as much as I cannot stand being wrong. But most of all, I am not afraid to acknowledge how I truly feel.

The truth is, I was in love with the same person for a long time, mostly from afar. For years we intentionally crossed each other’s paths, running never ending circles around each other and playing pointless mind games. I knew they didn’t feel the same way about me but I deluded myself in the assumption that they wouldn’t keep coming back if that was the case.

This was one of the reasons why it didn’t work out with so many other people. I subconsciously belonged to someone else and whilst that person was still available, everyone else was just a second choice and I was always looking for something that I had already lost.

I jeopardised and sometimes even intentionally ruined new relationships because I thought that going backward was what I wanted. The past would call and I would put the future on hold or even hang up. In my mind, I wanted the person that knew me best. In reality, if I had given someone new the chance, they might have learned to know me just as well.

Eventually, I felt like I couldn’t cope with the uncertainty anymore and I asked them to spare me my mental health. There was too much coming and going without definite answers so I attempted to do the mature thing and cease contact (until alcohol intervened, obviously).

I hoped that one of two things would happen, either that I would meet somebody that I loved more or that we would find our way back to each other indefinitely. But sooner or later, I knew the day would come when they would find someone else.

It hurt so much at first but I was already so sick of living in agony, not just over this but other things that I was tormenting myself about, that it made me force myself to change the way I thought.

I told myself that they were not the type of person who would settle for anything other than the best and neither should I. I found happiness in knowing that they were happy, even if it wasn’t with me. I forgave them which in turn lead me to forgive others, as well myself. I wished that the time had come sooner so I might have been able to find relief earlier, but there’s no point thinking like that which made me decide not to let ‘what ifs’ get the better of me.

After admitting to myself how I really felt, I was set free. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders, my outlook on life was completely transformed, and I came to terms with so much more. It was a bit like an epiphany. I let go of my anger, I turned the negative into positives and I finally found inner peace.

Nothing has ever felt so good.

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Here Comes the Sun

When you’re in the dark, you’re too weak to see the beauty of the day. The light seems too far away and it’s warmth too hard to reach. It can make you feel like giving up.

But eventually, when I have chased the storm away, I can step out and see the sun again, which burns brighter than it ever did before.

It’s hard to do it alone, but even harder to admit that you need help. Sometimes it’s the only way and I couldn’t do it without the support of my family, friends and colleagues. Their kind words guided me through the tunnel and back into the light where they were waiting for me to return as my former self and not the shadow I left in.

I can’t express my gratitude enough those who have given me their shoulder to cry on, not just this time around but all the times before. Even the smallest acts of kindness can fill someone’s heart and bring them back to life. I hope that, if and when the time comes, I can do the same for all of them and that they are not afraid to call on me to return the favour, no matter how great or small.

Now that I have calmed the storm and tamed him, it is my black burdened companion. Instead of growling away inside of me, he walks beside me and I no long fear him.

I take comfort in knowing that when he barks again, I have the strength within me, the reinforcements around me and the knowledge from all the times before to know how to tell him to shut the fuck up and sit down because I’m not prepared to go through that shit again anytime soon.

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The Storm

The storm is unpredictable. The only inevitable is that it will come and I will have to confront it. Sometimes I can feel it brewing deep within me and it doesn’t matter how much I try to put it off, I can’t stop it, eventually I will just have to face it.

When I know it’s coming, I am ready, I know what to do, I’ve sailed those seas before and I know how to navigate the waves. But other times it comes unannounced and I don’t have time to prepare. I just have to ride it out and hope for the best.

I don’t know why it comes or what it wants from me. It doesn’t come for any reason and it serves no purpose. I don’t know if I will ever understand it, I just have to accept it.

The storm isn’t around me or above me, it doesn’t lurk in shadows or crush me from the outside; it grows inside me. And when the clouds turn dark my tears rain down, lightning strikes in screams and the thunder beats on my soul.

While the storm rages, it takes over everything. My body is weak, tired and lifeless. My mind is clouded, I cannot focus and I lose my motivation for everything, work, pleasure, life. My core aches, my heart breaks and my spirit shatters.

I never know how long it will stay, a moment, a day, a week, sometimes longer. When it goes I never know when it will be back again. Sometimes I fear that one day it will come and never go.

The storm within me has always been there and it always will be.

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